Reparative Therapy a Mixed Bag

Supporters of reparative therapy, sometimes also called conversion therapy, have claimed some striking successes in recent years.

Sometimes, all it takes is a laying on of hands from the right power. Senate President Tom Grinder has showed an amazing power to heal held in awe by people inside and outside the General Assembly. Former Germantown Senator Q.K. Hoagie arrived in Annapolis as a full-blown, flaming Republican. Yet, after less than one full-term under the positive influence of Grinder, Sen. Hoagie saw the light and became a Democrat.

In over twelve years since, Sen. Hoagie hasn’t looked back or strayed once, despite rumors that he still likes to show up at late-night Republican fundraisers from time to time. “I just stopped by to use the bathroom, I swear,” he said, when queried about the latest incident.

Still others, like Takoma Park residents Elyse and Steven Keaton, report bitter disappointment. As Elyse said, “From a young age, we knew Alex was different. It became more obvious as he grew up. While other teenagers wanted to save the world, he just wanted to play banker and would yell ‘get a job’ a volunteers at the local homeless shelter.”

“We tried everything from vegan meals to yoga classes to new games. Nothing worked.” said Steven. “We even wasted thousands of dollars on reparative therapy. But then just a few months later we’d catch him starting a new swap-derivative scam with one of the other kids. After many years, I’ve come to realize that we just have to accept Alex as special the way he is even if our dream of parenting a Peace Corps volunteer will never come true.”

Hal Sunny agrees and remains an out and proud Republican even after being driven from his home in Frederick. Sunny says that reparative therapy is a fraud and that Republicans will not stop coming out of the closet: “The Lord made me this way. Don’t try and change me.” Sunny now proudly heads a powerful Annapolis lobby to promote the Republican agenda.

Father José Brice doesn’t quite agree. “We love everyone as our religion commands but we cannot condone the behavior. Fortunately, incidences of people acting on Republican impulses have been going down in recent years as more people turn to a normal path.”

Hal Sunny rolls his eyes when he hears such arguments. “Would you want your daughter to marry an ‘ex-Republican?’”