Friday, October 23, 2009

What I Will Teach My Kid About Politics

As every reader knows, Baby Olson Pagnucco (now known as Andres) has arrived. Now we will have to teach the next generation the way of things. That means saying please and thank you, brushing teeth, tying shoes and not repeating every bad word that comes out of Daddy’s mouth. But in my house, it also means early lessons in politics. You can never start too young! Here is what I will teach my kid about politics.

Politicians usually don’t lie. They just play “let’s make pretend” a little too much.

If a politician knocks on the door, just tell them we’re voting for Sarah Palin. They won’t stick around for long.

If a politician asks you for money, just cry until they stop asking. This works well for Daddy.

If a politician promises you a great present for your birthday, don’t be surprised if it’s just clothes. It’s not you – they do that to everybody.

If I hear you say “Purple Line,” I will know you’re spending too much time with George Leventhal.

If I hear you say, “The Devil is in the details,” I will know you’re spending too much time with Nancy Floreen.

If I hear you say, “Project area transportation review,” you won’t be going back to Marc Elrich’s house for a long time.

If you hear me say that your toy purchase habits are “unsustainable,” that means your Dad is spending too much time with Phil Andrews.

Do you see that woman who’s making those three hundred people in the yellow T-shirts clap? Yes, that’s Aunt Valerie!

You are not allowed to watch a County Council hearing in which Gino Renne testifies before Phil Andrews until you’re 17. And even then, not without parents around.

“Big Daddy” is not your Daddy after a long Sunday of football games and wings. No, it’s that nice old man from Annapolis who breaks into the house at night and sends some of your toys to Baltimore.

The only thing you need to know about the death penalty is that it’s the reason Daddy can’t take cell phone calls from politicians after 7 PM. That’s why if is he is on the phone, your job is to tell Mommy that it’s somebody from work.

Here’s what taxes are. For every four scoops of baby food you get, one scoop goes to Rockville, one scoop goes to Annapolis and two scoops go to Washington DC. The babies who live there are really big, really loud and need a lot to eat!

What is a state budget deficit? Think of it this way: the state has poopied in two billion diapers and can’t afford to buy any new ones!