Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Democrats Offer Advice to GOP

Dear readers, we recently congratulated the Maryland Republican Party on the excellent financial performance of their Chairman, James Pelura III. (Excellent, that is, for the Democrats!) Well, some conservatives didn’t take too kindly to our post. But we will not let such misunderstandings interfere with our much-renowned spirit of being helpful. And so we went to our extensive spy network inside the Maryland Democratic Party to ask for their advice on where the GOP should go from here. And boy did they give it!


I hear Sarah Palin’s looking for a job. She might make a great state party chair, dontcha know. And John Ensign might be looking for a job too, although in the case of hiring him I’d advise state Republicans to lock up their women.

My advice? Just truths. Those who bitch about the party and money probably haven’t given much. Those who declare what the “party” is and does - and do it loudly from talk radio or on the net - usually don't have a clue what the party is or does. The Chris Caveys of this world kill political parties because they’re all about themselves and everyone else knows it except the press. Political party executive committee meetings are open to the public and the press, something few people know. Let’s get some popcorn and pull up a chair when this one meets. If they close the meeting, they’re admitting the party doesn’t care what the people think. This is proof that for the MDGOP, the vision of Reagan is dead while the angry whining of Limbaugh is alive and well and eating the party alive.

They need to moderate their positions on issues. They need to recruit credible candidates. They need to work at the grass roots. They need to have folks at the national level not undercutting whatever they’re trying to do at the local level. Not much interested in providing greater assistance than that, sorry!

Only advice: find another state!

The GOP should just pack it up for 2010 and start looking toward 2014 when, perhaps, they’ll have a better handle on the fundamentals of being a political party. Perhaps they will have some ideas for how to govern as well, instead of just being the Party of “No.” It’s not even clear who the GOP think their constituency is - corporate interests, the well-to-do, religious right - because they just use a scattershot approach of saying Democrats are bad without providing their own vision. It’s time for the Grand Old Party to fold their tents for 2010 and use the time for some soul searching - perhaps they may be a viable party by 2014? We’ll see.

I got nothing for you. Sorry. The Maryland Republican Party is populated by one-note loonies, with a few kindly souls mixed in who are unwilling to stand for anything remotely progressive, lest they have to expend energy educating their base on why they aren’t doing what Rush Limbaugh says a good Republican should do.

They could follow the wisdom of Virginia Republicans and refer to the high population and economic growth areas as the “fake” Maryland and continue to dominate elections in Caroline, Dorchester, Kent, and Somerset Counties, the “real” Maryland.

Rehire John Kane. He has a knack for saving on labor.

The problem is that Republicans only contribute money if they have a good chance to own and then loot the government. Maybe the state party could get in line for federal stimulus money with their former super-donors like the corrupt mortgage brokers and Wall Street investment bankers who are still soaking the taxpayers.

The State GOP should resort to robbing banks. Why? Here are three good reasons: 1) It beats the present strategy in which they have a fundraising apparatus in place but aren't actually raising any money! 2) It’s a great populist branding tool (think John Dillinger and Robin Hood), and 3) If this fails to generate revenue for the party, well, at least gangsters get to wear great clothes and date hot chicks! That beats winning elections any day!

I think they should hold a “Guns and Ammo Bake Sale.” They could ask all their party members and their kids to donate just a few of their extra AK-47s and M-16s lying around the basement and some large-capacity magazine clips stuck between the sofa cushions and really rake in the dough. They might even be able to get Sarah Palin to host, since she’s not doing anything other than studying up on the “Bush Doctrine” and the Country of Africa.

A wise man marches to victory only after he stops shooting himself in the foot.