MPW Reader Translates Leggett Statement on Traffic Lights

OK, we shouldn't print this. Absolutely not. It's a sin! But we have to do it because it's too damn funny.

Many of our readers have suffered through the abominable Montgomery County traffic light crisis, which the county now claims is fixed. Following is the statement from the County Executive on the problem's resolution.

Statement of Montgomery County Executive Isiah Leggett Regarding Breakthrough in the Repair of the Traffic Signal Computer System

November 5, 2009; 6 p.m.

"I am very happy to announce that there was a breakthrough during the evening rush hour today in our efforts to repair the County's traffic signal computer. Engineers have isolated the problem and have been successful in reestablishing the connection between the computer and the traffic signals, with the result that most of the intersection signals are now responding to our commands.

"The system is fixed, but we continue to work on individual signals that are not consistently responding. We will continue to monitor it throughout the evening and overnight but we anticipate that tomorrow morning's rush hour will be much smoother.

"To continue to assist commuters, Ride On buses will be free again on Friday.

"For the longer term, I have directed staff to provide me with a plan as to how we can accelerate my ongoing $35 million project to upgrade and modernize our traffic management system

"I appreciate the patience of our residents and commuters: I know it has been a rough couple of days in Montgomery County. I know because I've been stuck in traffic too.

"And, I especially want to thank Montgomery County's dedicated and talented workforce, and especially our traffic engineers and technicians. They have made an incredible effort and worked tirelessly 24/7 since this problem occurred to get it resolved."

Walt Bader, Immediate Past President of the Fraternal Order of Police Lodge 35, provided this translation:

TRANSLATION -- Statement of Montgomery County Executive Isiah Leggett Regarding Breakthrough

Since being elected, I have avoided the responsibilities of leadership, hid behind the county council, and followed my subordinate department heads. Now the friggin traffic lights are out of sync and the masses, I mean voters, are pissed. Lookin' for somebody to blame. My ass is hanging out 'cause I'm the Executive and this week's elections look like the voters are holding elected folks accountable. Hate that word, "accountable." What to do?

Got it! I'll do like normal and pretend I'm not responsible for the problem. Then, once it gets fixed, the masses, I mean voters, will be happy as hell. At just that moment of elation, they will hear that I too "am very happy to announce that there was a breakthrough," that's right, a "breakthrough," and I have fixed the problem that I am responsible for in the first instance!

Brilliant.

The people will be happy that I am happy.

Now that we are all happy, I want you suckers to know that I'm going to monitor this bitch. Even better, I'm throwing in an extra day of free bus service for you people who never have, and never will step onto a RideOn bus. I don't care if you RideOn or not -- just like when you get the coupon from a plumber who offers a free toilet unclog, although your toilet isn't clogged, you think what a great plumber this is -- you will feel good about me.

Yeah, I have neglected and delayed an upgrade to our traffic systems, but here's the beauty in my failures. I can get some political mileage by declaring that, "For the longer term, I have directed staff to provide me with a plan as to how we can accelerate my [Tim, need a better word than 'delayed', yeah, 'ongoing'] ongoing $35 million project to upgrade and modernize our traffic management system."

"I appreciate the patience of our residents and commuters: I know it has been a rough couple of days in Montgomery County. I know because I've been stuck in traffic too."

Only you suckers had to drive yourselves. Chumps. I have drivers. Bet you'll never figure out who pays for that perk!