The County Executive’s Bathroom: An Investigative Report

Greetings readers. I am joined live at the scene of the soon-to-be-constructed County Executive’s bathroom by special MPW correspondent and County Council staffer Dana Beyer. As you know, the Washington Post reported that the project would cost $65,000 and county staff said it was necessary for the security of the County Executive. Ms. Beyer has been investigating the project. Dana, what can you tell our readers about the new bathroom?

Dana Beyer: Well Adam, I have been unable to access the bathroom for three reasons. First, it is still under construction. I have seen several carpenters and plumbers hauling in platinum and gold fixtures but they won’t let me see what they’re doing.

Carpenter: Youse have to have a union card to get in! Widdout one… fuhgeddaboutit.

Former County Executive Candidate Bob Fustero: Do you hear that? I was right about those unions!

Dana: The second reason is that the transgender bill is still tied up by Citizens for a Responsible Government so I might not be allowed in even after it’s built.

Michelle Turner, CRG Spokeswoman: We have to protect the children from Dana! Errr, assuming any are actually allowed in the County Executive’s bathroom…

Adam: Dana, what is the third reason?

Dana: After the Post article, the County Executive’s office became quite sensitive about the project’s cost. So they instituted a fee schedule for access to pay for it. The fees operate on a sliding scale depending on exactly how one uses the bathroom.

Adam: Can you give us the details?

Dana: I’d rather not. After all, this is a family blog. I understand the fees are quite expensive and council staff are not paid enough to afford it.

Michelle Turner: That’s not a problem for us. We’ll just take it out of the per diem we receive from the Family Research Council.

Adam: Look! We now have a special guest – it’s County Executive Ike Leggett!

County Executive Leggett: Who are you people and what are you doing here?

Adam: Sir, we are reporting on the bathroom project. It’s part of our effort to follow your example in maintaining transparency in county government.

Leggett: Security, get them out of here!